Submission Guidelines for a Journal Which Doesn’t Exist, But Should

Sy Brand

Send us your page noises, seat warmth and more! We want:

  • The letterbox from your childhood home with the name of a different family written on it
  • Blood samples found on the edges of your manuscript
  • Fanfiction about the journal’s editors
  • Every post made to Reddit on the day you last had sex
  • A recent bank statement or council tax bill dated within the last three months
  • Erotica about the sun
  • The sound you make after you get the 50th rejection for the same poem
  • Fire
  • Flash fiction printed on magnesium
  • Strange tarry substances you find in your basement
  • Socks embroidered with the names of all your cats
  • Poems you stole while the authors drifted into a troubled sleep
  • The Tory manifesto with “balls” written across every page in bodily fluids of your choosing
  • Tattoos which you got while drunk, but have learned to love, just like the other parts of you

Put your submission in a sealed metal container and bury it in your garden.
A dark mist will come to collect it in the night.
We already know where you live.

Sy is a queer non-binary person living in Edinburgh, Scotland. They write through the haze of cat-/child-induced sleep deprivation to try and make sense of gender, relationships, and ADHD. You can find them on Twitter @TartanLlama and their publications at

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